Onboard The Black Pig
November 20, 2007

Similarities to other human sacrifices - but this was a very British affair

Benelux correspondent Rodger de Cabin: Analysis

Police were today quizzing two teenagers on suspicion of murder after the charred body of a man was found in the embers of a bonfire. Detectives were investigating reports that the man was beaten-up and pushed onto the fire in scenes recorded on mobile phone cameras.

The ancient Britons used to burn humans in a Wicker Man as a sacrifice to ensure good fortune. These days they burn humans to ensure their fame.

The uncouth youths who babble incessantly on mobile phones while on public transport and share upskirt pictures taken by camera phones have become a world-wide phenomenon. A Canadian movie critic Seamus Staines has stated on YouTube, that the death of a Merseyside man on a Guy Fawkes bonfire resembled a Monty Python skit, only it was far less funny and didn't involve a parrot.

Even though burning bonfires is a global phenomenon, this was however a very British affair.

Britain itself is a cold and wet place where people cannot bear to be inside their houses which are heated by open fires: they need to go out to football games to fight to keep warm. Apart from driving on the wrong side of the road and having carpeted bogs, the British revert to other ancient customs like burning effigies of people on a bonfire.

As evidence of the curious psyche of this nation delving in ancient customs, a human sacrifice is called "happy-slapping", and while the name of the victim is printed over every fish-wrap in the nation the identity of the perpetrators is kept hidden. This apparently means that the British wish to keep to their ancient habits and just rename unhappy events with a new name and give them a face to sell tabloids, while forgetting the issue itself.

This mindless killing shows how civilisation is just an icing on the chavs, while the blame of the incident is placed on mobile phones. In ancient Britain recording was performed by removing peat off a chalk hill, today it is done by mobile phones, the chanting of the druids switched to football anthems.

On that bonfire night the youths burnt a guy - truly a very British affair.

Have a shave

My dear Mr. Cabin - you seriously accuse us in Britain of this phenomenon? A country that still proudly uses bank checques, and gas bills as a proof of identity? By Jove, it is surely the evil Finlanders to blame for the Nokia camera phones. If it was not for them, we would still be using carrier pigeons.
Horatio Pugwash, Sinkport, UK

According to the strictest definition Britain does not belong to Europe. I recommend all of you to use 51st State when you refer to these outlying
islands.
Coco VanHouten, Keeskop, Netherlands

How dare you say something like that? Obviously you don't know a single British person or anything about the country except the expat chavs in your town. The whole of Britain is having a horrid hangover and you are being outrageous like a Frenchman. Shame on you!
Guido Fawkes, Benidorm

I think that you tell about Brittish teenagers social life in a bad way. I don't see anything bad in happyslappin and mobilephone. And we really see double after drinking a dozen pints also. We are used to this airfix.
Gizzard Puke, Mayfair.

You must have missed a few hundreds of years, for sure. I am not aware that you know we have central heating and indoors plumbing nowadays, also in Wigan.
Will Dodwell, Wigan, UK

So, you're still that upset over the gunboat of HMS Odin we captured in 1854?
Hank W, Finland

Adhering to the reporting standards set by the Roger Boyes' school of analytical journalism.
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